“This weapon is your life” – Obi-Wan Kenobi
For today’s post, I will be outlining my take on the importance of Frame. Frame is a word that is thrown around a lot and I am sure many of you are aware of the basic concept: Frame is personal frame, and is the realm or “frame” of the person people are operating in. For some great articles on frame you can check here and here.
To relate the concept of frame in terms that are themed by my name sake, Frame, especially for guys, is like a Jedi’s lightsaber. One must use discipline, concentration and focus to construct it. Once constructed it once must learn how to properly wield it and finally, one must have it with them at all times and never lose it.
In order to construct your Frame, first you need to exercise some discipline and be able to take a cold, hard look at yourself. Check your ego at the door and really think on and examine all of your interactions with people and in all of your relationships. Are you constantly apologizing to people, or feeling like you never get your way? Are you running the show in your professional life but find yourself always getting the short end of the stick in your family and romantic life? These are the honest questions that need addressing so you know where to begin. Everyone is different and will have different starting points. Some people have strong frame in their professional lives but not in their personal ones, vice versa, or weak frame in all areas of their life, and vice versa. That’s all fine, it’s a starting point and checking your ego helps you see things as they really are, not how you want them to be.
After taking a solid look inward you’ll instinctively know which areas your frame is naturally strong in, and which areas require some attention. Let me be clear; Frame is not about getting your way 100% of the time. There are times when you need to do things you don’t want to do, like say for example you get pulled over for a speeding ticket. Getting your way is continuing to drive off. You could do that, but then you’ll wind up making the situation worse for yourself with ensuing police pursuit. Pulling over to get the ticket is not weak Frame, it is acknowledgment of the fact that there are other social forces at work that you adhering too. But I digress. When you have an idea of where your Frame finds its natural strength, you’ll want to focus on what is working for you in that situation. For example, if you have strong frame in your personal relationships, and you discover that a lot of people find you to be funny, honest and confident, use those as templates to transfer to the areas you are weak in. Humor, honesty and confidence can go a long way in the professional and especially the romantic realm. These are examples, as I am sure you will discover you own. Now that you have a basic framework, it’s time to start making your Frame work (you see what I did there?).
Frame is a tool and a very essential tool at that. But it requires knowledge on how to properly exercise it. The reality is most men in today’s society don’t have any frame or just don’t utilize it. They let complacency keep them from doing what they want all the while suffering in silence because they’ve been taught it’s always about everyone else and not themselves. I’m not advocating everyone become selfish assholes over night, but I am saying that exercising Frame will see a lot more people find satisfaction in life instead of being treated like doormats.
The best way to wield Frame is to first get in the habit of sensing Frame. If you’ve already started paying attention to your interactions, then you’ll pick up very quickly when you have Frame and when you don’t. If you don’t know if you have Frame in a situation or not, then guess what, you don’t have it. And as I mentioned earlier, Frame is getting what you want 100% and you will not have Frame in every situation. That’s ok. The important thing at this stage is to be aware of Frame and how it may shift so you can stay ahead of the curve, so to speak. You’ll learn about areas in which you compromise yourself too much, as well as which areas you can use your Frame to get more accomplished with. Applying this to romantic interactions, paying attention to this is critical. Having this skill with make shit tests very apparent and you’ll be able to pass them with ease. You’ll also pinpoint other areas where you might trip up, like say you’re great at one night stands but can’t seem to figure out how to get that third date locked in. Knowing where you compromise your Frame helps you keep yourself in check as well as makes you more aware of how your Frame effects others. It can be a powerful impact and one of the largest things with Frame is knowing what you want from every interaction. It doesn’t always have to be very specific, like “get sex” or “tell four elephant jokes.” But when you are involved in any interaction, you should have a vague goal in mind, be it to have a good time, de-stress, or to be intimate. But being indecisive and aimless is the easiest way to lose Frame. Taking control starts with your mindset.
Now that you’ve analyzed your Frame, your mindset and are making it a habit to exercise your Frame, we come to the most important aspect: Keeping it. The simplest and best way to hold and keep Frame is to adopt one simple mindset: I come first. This seemingly selfish mindset is the key to holding Frame, because what it means is that you understand a simple truth: Only you can live your life and no one else can live it for you; you must live with the consequences of your choices whether they be good or bad.
With the I Come First mindset, you are prioritizing your needs in every situation. Sometimes what you want isn’t always in your best interest and you’re fully aware. Like say for example you want to go out drinking at night with your friends but tomorrow morning you have a huge presentation and you need to bring your A game. While going drinking is what you want to do, you realize that it is not in your best interest long-term if you have a hangover during your presentation. So despite your friends pleading to have their drinking buddy join them, your hold the Frame of “I have an important presentation I need to be sharp for” so you stay in and get a good night’s rest instead. I am sure you can think of your own examples, but the point is that you need to do what you feel is in your best interests first and foremost. If you have a hangover in the example above, your friends are not going to make the presentation for you, nor will they bare the consequences if you totally tank it. On the flip side, they aren’t going to to get the raise/promotion/good grade from your presentation, you will. You have to deal with the consequences in your own life, so make sure you are acting in what’s best for your own Frame.
In the romantic sense, many guys don’t have or completely lose their Frame with women because they fail to keep the I Come First mentality. They make it She Comes First and do everything in the book to appease her, only to find themselves frustrated and drawing spite from their romantic interests rather than appreciation and respect. How many stories are there of guys who had no Frame or completely lost it that find their lives have turned into nightmares? Jobs lost, friendships ruined and families destroyed because men couldn’t keep themselves or their houses in order? Your Frame is your responsibility and your life. Take care not to lose.